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Every once in a while, I have a patch where I kinda just fall apart a bit. I think right now is one of those times. I'm finding everything that happens just piles more shit on. I'm getting this distinct feeling of fragility. And I'm pretty sure I don't understand anything about life. I thought I was getting it... but recent events are kind of pointing at more of a negative answer. And by kind of, I mean big ass glaring flashing signs with glitter and scantily clad booth babes and a spruiker.
Work is exhausting. First it was 7am starts. Then 6am. And today 5am. The heat doesn't seem to be letting up either. And today I find out that in order to get my screen printing qualification, I HAVE to do an apprenticeship. And to do the apprenticeship, I HAVE to be full time. And to go from casual to full time means a 20% pay cut. Which I really didn't want to do. I KNOW it's supposed to cover holidays and stuff... But it doesn't quite. And I need more money sooner at this point in time. And I'm kinda terrified that I'm locking myself into something that I'm not 100% comfortable with. I mean my qualification is all I've wanted for near on 2 years now. And I had given up hope of finding a way to do it. But my boss is riding me a little hard about certain things and I think she's being a little unrealistic about speed and a few other things. Kind of hard to explain without spending hours on that topic. But what if I finally snap and get fed up like I did when I was working at Taco Bill or Sweeney. Yeah I actually like this work but I've noticed that when bosses test my limits (sexual harassment or harassing me by accusing me unfairly), I do tend to snap and leave without thinking of the consequences. I don't know.
I've also been thinking about moving to Perth or Burbank. If I decide either... I have to decide before I commit myself to this apprenticeship.
I've canceled my American trip in June. Kinda feeling down about that but it's the more responsible decision. It's financially responsible too. I need to go sometime reasonably soon though. I miss everyone and I'm itching to run away for a month or so.
I had more to write but I'm kind of losing my train of thought. Maybe I should sleep...

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