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Every once in a while, I have a patch where I kinda just fall apart a bit. I think right now is one of those times. I'm finding everything that happens just piles more shit on. I'm getting this distinct feeling of fragility. And I'm pretty sure I don't understand anything about life. I thought I was getting it... but recent events are kind of pointing at more of a negative answer. And by kind of, I mean big ass glaring flashing signs with glitter and scantily clad booth babes and a spruiker.
Work is exhausting. First it was 7am starts. Then 6am. And today 5am. The heat doesn't seem to be letting up either. And today I find out that in order to get my screen printing qualification, I HAVE to do an apprenticeship. And to do the apprenticeship, I HAVE to be full time. And to go from casual to full time means a 20% pay cut. Which I really didn't want to do. I KNOW it's supposed to cover holidays and stuff... But it doesn't quite. And I need more money sooner at this point in time. And I'm kinda terrified that I'm locking myself into something that I'm not 100% comfortable with. I mean my qualification is all I've wanted for near on 2 years now. And I had given up hope of finding a way to do it. But my boss is riding me a little hard about certain things and I think she's being a little unrealistic about speed and a few other things. Kind of hard to explain without spending hours on that topic. But what if I finally snap and get fed up like I did when I was working at Taco Bill or Sweeney. Yeah I actually like this work but I've noticed that when bosses test my limits (sexual harassment or harassing me by accusing me unfairly), I do tend to snap and leave without thinking of the consequences. I don't know.
I've also been thinking about moving to Perth or Burbank. If I decide either... I have to decide before I commit myself to this apprenticeship.
I've canceled my American trip in June. Kinda feeling down about that but it's the more responsible decision. It's financially responsible too. I need to go sometime reasonably soon though. I miss everyone and I'm itching to run away for a month or so.
I had more to write but I'm kind of losing my train of thought. Maybe I should sleep...

Mumbai

Yesterday was an awful day. All day on the radio I heard about the people in Mumbai. It didn't really have any effect on me until about lunchtime when I head two words that made my stomach drop... "Brooke Satchwell" I hadn't even known she was over there. I was shocked. I bolted to the car where Mum was just pulling out. She rolled down the window and I said, "Brooke's in Mumbai". Mum didn't understand so I explained. I said she must be okay... She was on the radio. All day, reports came through... I guess we were lucky, Brooke's every movement was followed from that point on. And there was a segment on every news show about her. Everytime I heard her voice I cried but it was such a relief. Her stories scared me but it was wonderful to hear her say things that are just so her like when she mentioned in one interview that her mum was about to take her cat to the vet. She is a dork. Mum talked to my Aunt and then told me everything. The descriptions of what happened made me burst into tears every time. It was magnificent to see her and David on the webcam on the news. I sent Brooke a text the moment I was sure that it wouldn't get her into trouble. I finally got one a little while ago. It says, "Thanks your wishes mean the world. We are ok and taking good care of each other. Still holed up in the middle of the action waiting for airports to open up and safe passage out. Sending love. X" I'm finally almost calm. I hope she comes home safe soon. I need to see her to know she is really safe.

How to hurt a girl.

If a girl is incredibly proud of a fairly big weight loss and is beginning to actually LIKE her body, you don't tell her shes "not exactly thin". It is the most crushing and degrading and demotivating thing you could possibly do. Especially when although she isn't a waif like some of her friends, she has a pretty small waist.
I need to stop feeling so defensive about my weight ><

Dying...

I swear to god I feel like I am dying. I hate being sick. I intended to get things done this weekend but of course I slept instead.And I'm meant to be at work but instead I am at home feeling like death warmed up... Who knew it was this boring? At least I bought a bunch of books on Saturday =)

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Bah!

Sometimes it feels as if the whole world loves me... Except the person/ people i want to love me.
And why do the people I want have to tell me about their relationship problems and the people they are crushing on. It's not fair.

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Stuff I Want

Things I need/want right now in no particular order:
  • Brown Leather Corset
  • A couple of Nerf Mavericks
  • Some more Victorian clothing
  • An appointment to neaten my dreads
  • New Bras
  • My website set up
  • New lenses for my camera
  • To get laid
  • Warmer weather
  • To be able to live closer to the city
  • Spats
  • More fingerless gloves
  • A steampunk coat
  • More time
  • To go to America sooner
  • To move out
  • To learn to sew, knit and crochet
  • Space for my arts and crafts
  • More people to hang out with more regularly
  • Good brown nailpolish
  • Clockwork pieces
  • Vacuum Tubes
  • A big canopy bed
  • The new house built
  • More sleep
  • Random bits of junk
  • A dremel with a stand
  • A soldering iron

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Hmmm...

I know I don't want to be with Matthew. And I know separating from him is what I needed. But recently I have definitely been missing the closeness of having someone that cares about me. I need hugs and affection and company on demand. My friends give me all they can and I appreciate it greatly... But I'm even more needy than that. Without that connection to someone, I feel very detached. I'm aware that it's kinda pathetic. But I guess no one really wants to be alone.

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Sewing Adventures

Am attempting to learn to sew, and sew a skirt and bustle by Saturday night... Wish me luck. I think I'll need it haha!
Will probably make some jewellery and accessories as well =P

Murdered

So I was talking to my friend Brad tonight... And he tells me that our friend Jarryd's mum was murdered 2 days ago. I wasn't that close to Jarryd but I am super close with his best friends. And I hung out with him for a while when I visited them all. He's a cool kid. It's really horrible that this happened to him. I'm talking to my friend Nathan right now and he's pretty cut up because it's brought up some pretty raw feelings about some friends of his and their mother who were murdered by their dad.
We got talking about my dad and I mentioned that I'd lost my dad when I was really young (he drowned... Not murder) and then I started telling him about my dad. I realised that I feel like there is a chunk of me missing because I didn't have my dad... We looked identical and both had the same interests and personality apparently. I've made myself cry and it's completely unrelated to the topic that triggered it all. Bah.

Shopping

I got my first proper paycheck on Friday so I went shopping. Except for my work boots which were desperately needed, I also bought a couple of rather steamy items of clothing. I got a shirt, some adorable heels and the most awesome boots ever. I'll get the last pair I wanted next week. I'll post pics after tonight =D